| Hey Crackhead
Yes, you. You sick f u c ker. On Wednesday morning I
emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you
had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the
time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the
sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism?
A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I
looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded
motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket
that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they
replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They
explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you
break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke
crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this
is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR
crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode
home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my
face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place
overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as
a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having
to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I
had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a
pretty funny anecdote about how ****ed up you are, and how our paths once
crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead.
You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of
a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest
on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't
enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I
found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the
right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I
had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having
ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the
sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I
had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm
socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive
ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had
to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk
took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still
cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just
gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole
ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not
finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet
anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have
done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally
understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite
addictive. What I don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the
Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because
engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator.
The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a
crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean,
the ****ing saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five
or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really
haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy
crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be
that stupid.
I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be
tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead -
specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and
you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me,
and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post
instead of engineering ****, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my
boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you
dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs
in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for
that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat
poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your
despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and ****, but it's
not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool
yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless
steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my
18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and
well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and
buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking
experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges.
Think about it.
Sincerely,
Matt
*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please
disregard this posting ***
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